well that just fucks

Damn…I just thought that I might actually be able to coin a really good phrase. My finger slipped while I was chatting with my friend, and instead of saying, “Could be good”, it came out, “Could be god”. So I was just about to say, “Oops, Freudian slip”, but then it occurred to me that it was actually a Freudian typo. Which I thought was exceedingly clever. Of course, a million people have already thought of it, and it’s already in the Urban Dictionary - although it’s not a very interesting definition…I’ll have to see if I can come up with anything better.

Anyway, I was just a little upset because I thought I was being all witty and intellectual, but it turns out, as usual, I’m about 3 years too late.

Some people take 'bite me' too literally

I knew it was going to be a fucked up day as soon as I got up.

There’s this, I dunno, repair crew I guess, that works on the GO Train tracks behind my apartment. I says ‘works’, but in reality, I don’t know what the fuck it actually is that they’re up to. Whatever it is, they’ve been doing it for the last year and a half, since I moved into this place. There’s this one little dump truck/tractor thing who’s only function seems to be driving around backwards. So that it makes this horrible high pitched beeping noise that just makes me want to gouge my eardrums out with a chopstick. I truly believe that this thing actually can no longer drive forwards, but in typical Government of Ontario fashion, that they have elected not to fix it, and this is why it only ever drives backwards. I have spent many long hours glaring out the window at this architect of my misery, and have never, ever, seen it move forwards. Although it must – or how else could it continually return, to continue its ever present early morning torment of my sleep?

Anyway, it turns out that this infernal beeping is actually the only thing that gets my lazy ass out of bed in the morning. So, instead of the joyous rapture that I’ve fantasized about enjoying on that oh so happy day that there is finally no beeping to wrest me from my well-deserved slumber; I’m just late for work. Again. Fuck.

I have a touch of a sore throat, so I haven’t been biking into work the last few days. Back in to the warn embrace of the Toronto Transit Commission I venture once again. Now, as I believe I’ve expounded on in the past, TTC drivers are not my favorite people at the best of times, but damn, was the one this morning ever brutal. I put my $2.75 in the fare thing, and the driver tells me I didn’t pay enough! So I’m like, “Oh yes I did! Look, right there, two toonies, and 3 whole quarters. $2.75.” And of course I have no more change on me, just twenties. And there is NO WAY that I’m putting a twenty in there.

Now this driver dude, he wasn’t looking so healthy. Real grey looking. Not so much with the hand eye coordination, either. I lived through SARS, so when someone who has that much contact with the general public starts getting all in my face, I’m not too thrilled about it. “Fare went up” he says. “Since when?!?!” my indignant ass says back. “Since now, puny human. $2.75 plus brains now.”

I’m sorry, did you say BRAINS?

“Braaaains”

Ok – so it looks like it’s a cab to work morning. Really - they should give TTC drivers a psych test before they hire them, this is just getting ridiculous...

Evil Dead! The Musical, is playing in Toronto right now, again, as I’ve expounded upon in the past. The one good thing about this morning is that I noticed that they really seem to have their street team in gear. There were people dressed up as zombies everywhere! Right at the corner of King and John, near the theatre where Evil Dead is playing, there was this huge performance piece deal going on with zombies ripping the shit out of people and fake blood flying around everywhere. And damn, did the fake blood look good. It looked way more real than even the blood they used in the performance. I’ve gotta figure out where they got it from for this Halloween.

But I digress...

So, I get to work. Like an hour late. And there’s nobody there. What the fuck is up with that? Seriously. Brutal TTC driver, I waste my money on a cab, and those dicks that I work with aren’t even there. I am pissed. However, this does give me time to read. So I settle down, in the hall to wait, and read some more of Bruce Campbell’s autobiography, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor. Oh Bruce, you’re my hero…

So I sit. And I read. And I sit. And I read. And no one shows up. And no one answers their cell. And I sit. And I read. Am I pissed? You bet.

So I give up. I waited an hour. (Technically two, if you count that hour I was late.). Anyway. I go outside, and my boss is lumbering around out there. And he looks like shit. His skin’s gone all gray, too, just like that streetcar driver. It must be some nasty ass virus that’s going around. “Hey, asshole! Where have you been? I’ve been sitting in the hall waiting for you forever!”

“Need. Braaaaains”

Well, I’ve known that for while. Nice to see you finally admit it though, I think to myself. And then, he bit me! What is up with that? I mean, yeah, I suppose I can be a bit hard to work with sometimes, but that was sooo uncalled for.

So…I trudge back home. Mop up my poor bleeding arm. Do I have to get a rabies shot now? And I really feel like ass. I think I must have picked up that nasty virus that everybody has. My skin looks like shit – gray is not a good tone for me. Look, I took a pic of myself – do you think I need to go see a doctor?

>

This post was brought to you by the good people at Blog like it's the end of the world

Also, mad props to Lauren for doing up that amazing zombie pic of me and to my dear little sister Muffin for coming up with the post title.

Sorry, Pumpkins

I know, I'm a horrible little blogger. I've been very neglectful.

Well, too bad. It's warm out. The patios were calling my name :)

But now I'm sick, so I come crawling back into your warm embrace. Also, I've been very blasé lately - too emotionally drained to get up in to a good lather. But all is well, I still love you.

I do have news to report. Durham County is possibly the greatest show of all time. Hugh Dillon, who was once the lead singer for The Headstones, who I completely adore, stars in this Canadian 'mini-series', as it's being termed. Although I, personally, am not a fan of his new bald look, I still do quite enjoy that I get the chance to stare at him and drool again.

Back to the point, it's an amazing show. Completely dark and twisted, and with this creepy doll thing going on that has me completely fascinated.

Everyone should go watch it. NOW!!!

And there's even more Hugh Dillon-y goodness yet to come! In his interview on The Hour, hosted by George Oh-my-god-I-want-to-have-your-babies Stroumboulopoulos, hugh said that they're making a sequel to Hard Core Logo!!! *does cartwheels of joy*

*remembers that she can't do cartwheels and falls flat on her metaphorical ass*

Also, Hugh's new band, The Hugh Dillon Redemption Choir, is working on a new album. Hurray!

Now, for your, (OK, my), viewing pleasure:

Strippers in training

I saw the funniest thing on the way home today. There was this little girl playing out in the street with her sister, maybe like 6 years old, if that (who am I kidding, I have no idea...it was a kid, though, a really tiny one). She was dancing around and singing, doing little kid playing around-type things. Then she whet and did this crazy little pole-dance around a stop sign.

Gave me a good chuckle, that one did.

I guess they have to learn it somewhere...

Yet another angry biker...

I got a bike last week. It made e very happy. I even updated my Facebook status to 'is very pleased with her new bike.' The very first day I had my shiny new bike, I got all hyped and did a big long ride down this park along the waterfront. All the time I've lived in Toronto, and the year and a half that I've been in this particular apartment, I've never been to this park, which is a mere 10 minute bike ride from my house.

I was so pumped to start biking to work every day. It's actually quicker to bike than to take the streetcar, half an hour versus 40 minutes on the TTC (barring, of course, giant rocks falling out of the sky, shootings, random street closures, construction and the barrage of other things that have manager to intersperse themselves between me and my place of employment recently). Then you get the added benefits of exercise and saving money. Well, what's not to love?

It's taken just 7 short days for me to become one of the angry ranty bike people. Biking in a city, as a mode of transportation, SUCKS big time. Granted, as I've said before, the TTC sucks worse, so one takes what one can get, I suppose.

The second day that I rode to work, I got harassed by a majorly over-testosteroned motorcycle cop for cutting up a one way street for half a block. At least I didn't get the threatened $110 ticket! And cabbies are the absolute worse. I think the next door opens out of nowhere and almost beans me I'm gonna kick a headlight in.

More Piratey Goodness

Mythbusters just did a pirate special. 2 hour special, me mateys! As a keen pirate afficianado myself, I took careful notes. However, the episode did lack any exploration of the ninjas vs. pirates aspect of things. Don't worry though, I've filled that part in below.

Things we learned:

Eyepatches – not actually due to eye gouging (which does take out some of the romance). Apparently, the theory behind eyepatches was that pirates could always have one eye ready for nightvision, so if they had to scoot below deck during the day, there keen pirate vision would be even more powerful when the flicked off the patch.

How clever is that! Ninjas don’t have eye patches.

Mythbusters verdict: I wasn’t paying attention, but they made Adam run through an obstacle course looking like an idiot, which I enjoyed.

Rum – it’s not just for drinking anymore. Rum, as laundry detergent? Also, urine, apparently, can be distilled to ammonia, which can then be used to clean your clothes. YOU CALL THAT CLEAN?!?! Ick.

Mythbusters verdict: Busted! Rum is makes bad detergent. Well thank goodness! That there’s meant to be drunk! The wee wee did a good job getting the blood out. Interestingly, the overall worst performer was the modern detergent.

Ninjas don’t drink. Losers.

I liked the part where they shot cannon balls at the dead pigs. (which were dressed as pirates, of course!)

Myth: Ninjas are cooler than pirates. My verdict – so BUSTED!

I'm such a reality TV geek!

All of these Big Brother commercials are getting me just a tad too excited, methinks.

I don't know what my obsession with Big Brother is. This was the first reality series I ever watched. The first season of Big Brother was the greatest thing ever. Completely not typical - the contestants were all decent people, who seemed to genuinely like each other. Really. Oh, Chicken George, one-legged dude, funky hair chick, you guys were the best reality TV cast ever! No season has even come close to that first one for me. But I still shiver in anticipation for every new season.

I also want to marry Kaysar - he got so robbed. Twice.

I was a very ardently anti-reality TV person for a very long time. I was very vocally and fervently anti-reality TV even long after I'd slipped deeply into its tender embraces. Oh yes, there were many, many justifications. "Well, yes, I watch The Mole too, but that's intellectual." (This statement applied to the first season only, far before it went celebrity and became one of the most ridiculous offerings out there. And so it went...now my sole refuge is that I don't watch Survivor. Even as I type, 1 vs. 100 is on in the background. But that one's OK...because it has Bob Saget in it.

See? I still can't accept the geekdom. Maybe one day. Is there a support group for this?

Hee hee...the commercial's on again. Makes me all tingly inside.

Damn you Facebook!

Well, it's finally happened. Facebook Mobile has come to Canada. Not only must I be tormented by the constant urge to sign in and see just how (un)popular I am, but now I can have my phone announce exactly when there's the tiniest bit of activity in my little Facebook microcosm. And reply, from my cell. Because I'm just that important, that I need the ability to update my Facebook status while I'm eating lunch, lost in the woods, sleeping, and so on.

There are possibilities here though - Facebook contest for status update from the weirdest place? Hmm...That has promise.

Interesting fact for the day

It is physically impossible to lick your own elbow.

Well - apparently not, because a friend of a friend can apparently do it, but whatever.

That - however, is not the interesting part. The interesting part is that if you happen to casually mention this fact, whoever you are talking to will automatically attempt to prove you wrong. Even if you are in a crowded restaurant, bar, or whatnot.

Try to keep from laughing too soon, it just gets better the longer you let your friends (or boss!) twist themselves around with their tongues hanging out of their mouths - enjoy!

I'm not even a cat person

But I thought this was really cute. My sister sent it to me.




From this blog

What gets red wine stains out?

My apartment is drenched in red wine. It's everywhere. There have been quite a few incidents involving drunken people dropping things. Surprisingly - not any of them have even been me. (I think, at least, there's one that I can't remember happening, but I'm going to assume that one was someone else. My new Neil Gaimen hardcover book - and I usually never even buy hard covers, because theoy cost way to much - is now dyed red.

Shhh...don't tell my landlord. Although, I don't feel as bad about that as I should. But my oven hasn't worked in a year, so I think we're even.

I want to be a pirate when I grow up

Jebus fucking hell – how did I just find out about this?!?!

I’m, perhaps, it has been suggested by others...just a tad obsessed with pirates. Just a touch. Ok, so it’s true that I can no longer manage to dress without having at least one item of clothing that has a skull and crossbones on it. Maybe I get a little more excited about International Talk Like a Pirate Day than I do about Christmas (September 19th! Just 125 days away!). At least I don’t wear an eye patch, so just chill the fuck out everyone.

So – how is it possible, with my overwhelming ‘piratetude’, that I was unaware that there’s going to be a pirate themed reality show?!?!

Pirate Master – premieres May 31st, at 8/7c. Of course, I’m not going to be on said reality show – because I just found out about it now. I am DESTINED to be on reality television. And THIS should have been the one!

But alas – it is not to be. I’m sure that my beloved Canadian citizenship would have also eliminated me from potential participation on said reality series full of piratey goodness, but still – I cannot believe that I’m just finding out about this now.

If this tv show sucks – I’m gonna be seriously pissed. There may have to be some pillaging involved.